She Keeps Saying She Is Not The Right Person

Her sister is six years younger and has asked her twice.

The first time was on a car journey, which is where her sister says everything, and it came out sideways: something about whether she still believes all that, and then a proper question underneath it.

And she said, honestly, I am not really the right person to ask.

The second time was in a kitchen at Christmas, past midnight, both of them tired, and it was more direct and it was less easy to move past.

And she said the same sentence. Almost word for word, which she noticed at the time and put away.

She has been thinking about that sentence for a while now.

Because it is not true, and she has known it was not true both times she said it, and it has the specific quality of a thing that is said in order to end a conversation while sounding humble.

If she is not the right person, who is. Her sister does not know anybody else. There is no third party in this family who has been going to church for eleven years. There is precisely one person in that whole family who could answer that question from experience, and she is the one who keeps saying she is not it.

And she knows why she says it, though she would find it hard to put in a sentence.

Partly it is that she does not want to be that sister, the one who has a thing and cannot leave it alone. There is a version of that in every family and she has always been careful not to be it.

Partly it is that she and her sister have never talked about anything serious in their whole lives, and the first time is going to be enormous, and she does not know how to start something like that at midnight in a kitchen.

And partly, and this is the one, it is that she believes she would do it badly and her sister would remember it.

So she says the sentence, and everybody relaxes, and eleven years of experience stays in one person.

And you have said the same thing. To somebody who asked, more than once, and it sounded like humility and both of you knew it was a door being shut.

As each has received, and that is the whole test

There is a sentence in First Peter about how any of this gets given away, and the striking thing about it is what is missing.

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.1 Peter 4:10

As each has received.

That is the entire qualification and there is nothing else in the sentence. Not as each has been trained. Not as each has been appointed, or has reached a standard, or has become the right person.

Whatever you got, use it. And the word for the person doing it is steward, which is somebody looking after something that belongs to somebody else, which removes the question of whether you are impressive from the whole business.

You have received something and receiving is the entire test in that sentence. It is written that as each has received a gift, use it to serve one another (1 Peter 4:10), and it is the Holy Spirit who distributes what people have, which means the question of whether you are the right person was settled by Him before your sister ever asked.

Now the three reasons, and they deserve to be taken one at a time because you have never actually looked at them separately.

The first is that you do not want to be that sister. That is a genuine care and it is right, and it is also not what is happening. That sister brings it up unasked. Your sister asked you, twice, and answering a question is the opposite of the thing you are avoiding.

You are not at risk of being the person you are afraid of being, because she started both conversations. Scripture says let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person (Colossians 4:6), which assumes people will ask, and it is His Spirit who does the seasoning, in real time, in a kitchen.

The second is that you two have never talked about anything serious and the first time will be enormous.

That is true and it is not a reason to keep not doing it, because the first time is always enormous and gets slightly less enormous only by happening. And she has now made two attempts, which means she is willing to carry her half of the enormousness.

You are not being asked to build a relationship you do not have, only to answer inside the one you do. It is written that a brother is born for adversity (Proverbs 17:17), and it is the Holy Spirit who has been putting a question into a younger sister's mouth twice in a family where nobody talks about anything.

And the third one, which is the real one.

You believe you would do it badly and she would remember it.

She will remember it. That part is probably true, in a family where nothing gets said. But she will remember it whichever way it goes, and at the moment what she is remembering is that she asked her sister twice and got the same sentence both times.

You are already being remembered, and the version currently being stored is the one you were trying to avoid. Scripture says we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God (2 Corinthians 4:7), and it is His Spirit who carries a badly said true thing further than a well said deflection has ever traveled.